I'd like to tell you that I'm starting this blog because I am a great literary talent, and have many lofty things I want to post about, but neither of those things are true.
I'm starting this blog because I have a baby and that means I'm totally obsessed with my baby and I want to write about him.
And lofty topics? Well, I really just want to talk about solid foods. (Oh come on, it could be worse. I could want to talk about baby poo or something. Maybe I will talk about baby poo, now that I think about it. Maybe next week.)
More specifically, I want to talk about the fact that my baby (Gabriel, six months old, requisite chubby cheeks and delicious baby thighs and big blue puppy-dog-style eyes) hates solids and refuses to eat them. Haaaaates them. Refuuuuuuses to eat them. Clamps his tiny, tooth-free gums together and purses his lips and turns his head and tries to swat the spoon away every time I come at him making airplane noises and smiling encouragingly.
You should have seen how excited I was on his six-month birthday, the very first day that I was allowed to give him solid food, per his pediatrician's instruction. I researched exactly what kind of food we should try first (organic brown rice cereal with probiotics, of course), and I went to three different stores before I found the exact right brand. Then, with great fanfare, I mixed it up exactly according to the directions on the label for "baby's first feeding." A chemist whipping up a batch of life-saving cancer-fighting miracle drugs could not have been more precise than I was mixing the serving of rice cereal. I even used a charming dinosaur-themed bowl that I'd purchased especially for this occasion.
Finally, practically trembling with anticipation, I put a brand-new bib around Gabe's chubby neck and sat him down in his gleaming high chair. Then I dipped the rubber-tipped safety spoon in the cereal and guided it towards his mouth.
Gabe, who is a pretty easygoing little guy, decided to give me the benefit of the doubt, and after a few moments of watching me make ridiculous cheerleader-type faces he obligingly opened his mouth.
I felt so happy, and even a little smug, as I fed him the first bite. "He's going to love solid foods!" I thought, mentally congratulating myself on my excellent mothering skills. "His weight gain will be excellent this month, and his pediatrician will be so thrilled!" I began to have visions of feeding him vegetables and fruits (all homemade, and organic of course), and then medleys, and meats, and finger foods, and eventually we'd work up to gourmet dinners from Melisse, the fabulous French restaurant on 11th and Wilshire! He was going to be such a great eater, and love food so much!
It was at this point that Gabe made a face I can only describe as "horrified" as he spit out every last molecule of the cereal.
My husband, who had been watching the entire production with a poorly concealed air of amusement and disdain, now began openly laughing at me. "What did you think was going to happen?" he asked. "You didn't think he was going to eat it all, did you?"
"Go get the video camera," I snapped. "We need to be recording this moment for posterity."
"OK," he replied, gamely going off to find the video camera so he could preserve our baby's rejection of organic brown rice cereal in digital high-definition. I could hear him chuckling as he fished the camera bag out of our storage closet.
I tried for fifteen full minutes to get Gabe to eat just a tiny, little, bitsy bit more of cereal. It went something like this:
Me: [smiles] "Gabe! Here's some delicious cereal for you!" [waves spoon enticingly]
Gabe: [presses lips together, grimaces]
Me: "Here comes the airplane into the hanger! Open wi-i-ide!!!"
Gabe: [smacks spoon away with angry fist]
Me: [cereal now splattered on shoulder and in hair] "Let's sing a song! You love to sing songs! How about the ABC song? A-B-C-D-E-F-G..."
Gabe: [fussing a little now]
Me: "...H-I-J-K-LMNOP..." [sees a tiny opening between lips, rushes in with cereal-coated spoon]
Gabe: [gags, begins to cry]
At this point an immense wave of guilt hit - I had made my baby gag and cry! - so I gave up, scooped him out of the high chair, and unceremoniously dumped the tyrannosaurus bowl in the sink. I apologized to Gabe about fourteen times while I tried to calm him down, distract him with an elephant rattle, and wipe cereal off of his face, chest, and hands all at the same time.
Of course, my husband managed to capture all of this with the video camera, right down to the cereal crusted into every fold of the brand-new high chair. Because, really, we wouldn't want to forget these magical memories.
Rice cereal was a failure, people. A FAILURE. And sweet potatoes have been a failure, and oatmeal and carrots. Why won't the baby eat???
OK, that was far too long for an initial entry. Welcome to my blog. More soon! Aren't you excited?
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